I have the good fortune of talking to a lot of family members, parents generally, who experience the same guilt that I feel about raising my kids. We all feel like we’ve done something terribly wrong that has landed our child at a place where they are not keeping up with society’s expectations.

I’m here to tell you parents reading this—YOU’VE DONE A GREAT JOB! To begin with, you’re reading the blog post of a person who has made it my life’s work to help neurodiverse folx feel wanted. If your kid is the reason you’re here, then I guarantee you, your hard work doing the best you can for your child did not start here! Lots of sleepless nights and research have led you to seek out help to make your child’s life as fulfilling as possible.

There are two major lessons that I have learned and seen reinforced continuously through my work as a Transitions Consultant for the ND crowd.

1. THERE IS A MAJOR DISTINCTION BETWEEN SUPPORTING AND ENABLING: If your emerging adult, or honestly all the way back to middle school aged child, is relying on you to do things they are capable of doing instead of doing it themselves, then you are enabling. What does this look like in real life? Are you writing their emails for them? Are you taking their meals into their rooms as to not interrupt their marathon gaming session? Are you telling them to take a shower regularly or do their laundry? Are you scheduling social outings for them?
   
   Navigating daily tasks of living are challenging for all people, not just those that are neurodivergent thinkers. I didn’t do it well all the time when I was young. However, the more we do for them, the less they learn through trial and error what works for them and what does not. It will be uncomfortable when their classmate or co-worker is the one to say “Dude, you need a shower.” But that thought will stick with them much longer than Mom constantly reminding them.
   
   Here’s the big lesson: it’s not our job to protect them from discomfort. Discomfort is the major motivator for all of us. But if discomfort is what you are protecting them from, then you are enabling them to never learn how to live the life they want to live. Which leads us to the second lesson.
   
   
2. YOU PERSONALLY CANNOT TEACH THEM ALL THE SKILLS THEY NEED TO BE SUCCESSFULLY INDEPENDENT: If your 20+ year old ND child is living in your house, isolated in their own room, not pursuing school, work or some productive path, the parent is not the person that will get them out of it. Likely you already have the enabling pattern firmly in place that is allowing this current pattern of behavior. The only way to substantially make a change in this young person’s life is to get them a support team that is NOT made up of family members.
   
   How do you find a support team? If you are fortunate enough to live in an Employment First state in the United States, then Disability Benefits Planning/Counseling is available to you and your family. These professionals are certified by the Social Security Administration and state authorities to help people with disabilities access public funding for supports. The Benefits Counselors typically have large networks of support people and can help you get to know the Helpers in your community.
   
   Contact local not-for-profit organizations and providers to ask for direction. If your adult child has a therapist or prescribing provider, chances are good that they are connected into both private and public benefits systems. Though they call themselves the Autism Society, every state has chapters that know the provider community that support a variety of neurodiversities with a diagnosis and without. You can also do an internet search of autism  or neurodiversity consultants. These folks can lead you to others within our community that can provide connections.
   
   The easiest way I have personally found to get connected is by talking to others in the same situation. Social media has tons of groups and most are listed by zip codes. There are also Meet Up groups in all major areas to help with connections. These initial introductions can open doors to supports and people who can motivate your emerging adult to move on with life.
   
   And hopefully you can move on with your life too.